its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
