i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
