How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
