This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
