Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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