my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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