thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
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So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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