I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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