Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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