I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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