My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
