the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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