I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
