He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
