Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
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Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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