i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
