Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
