She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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