So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
