Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
