Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
