then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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