i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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