Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
