I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
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I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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