We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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