I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
