How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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