I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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