I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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