I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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