she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
