genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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