I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
