I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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