someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
