my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
