someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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