The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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