I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
