You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
