i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
