The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
