just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
