thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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