I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
