When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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