just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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