Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize