is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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