you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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