My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
