dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
