My brain says no but my pants say off.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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