I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
