so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
